All I wanna know baby
If what we had was good
How come you don't call me anymore ?

Sometimes it
feels like I'm gonna die
If you don't call me Papa
Oh you gotta try...


[...]

Why on earth
Can't you just pick up
the phone?
You know I don't like to be alone

sOo. you'll never guess... im feeLin MiTey MiTeY fiNe rite bout now.. LiKe~>.. yepp..

so i jess came to a realization of how much i have, and how little i have to worry about. i mean... i really don't have to do anything about anyone who does anything to me. unless it gets to some physical shit, then i really don't need to do anything but sit back, smile and think about how gOod i got it. i mean.. of course i was angry.. coz i really dont see any reason for anyone to dislike me... but then again.. no one can ever be that great without getting hated on... but i guess it's at that point when u know how great u really are to people.... in real LiFe thO... things take care of themselves and whoever does anything stupid and unthoughtful to anyone who doesn't deserve it, especially if that person didn't do anything to him/her, already has it coming to them and i dont have to worry about it. why? well.. these people mean nothing to me and aren't worth my time or emotions... why am i writing about it in my xangerz then? well.. juss to show u how happy i am. really.. i should sStank these people for taking time out of their "lives" to know about me and think about me. i mean damn.. am i that damn fLy tO yOu? that you have to check on my life, be all up in my business, and tell me u dont like me, with no reasonable explaination, and tell me that u "know" me..? wOw... i guess you never know how much you are until someone hates on you because of it. but you know what? jealousy is a bitch... but also.. eventually, your hate becomes you. but like i said "i dont have anything to worry about"... coz really, it's not my jOb to take care of these unimportant, immature, ignorant middle school ass bopperz who dont know any better.. i mean... i was so dOwn to throw some fists and draw some blood, mann.. seriously... it's this thing called PMS, and STRESS.. and u dont mess with people while these 2 unfortunate things are occuring at the same time.. so i was really down to let my anger take care of it.. but u know.. im too fucken smart for that shit... i'll be the bigger person and just say "fuck that.. not worth my time." there's someone with greater power than me, who will take care of everything. yes.. and i believe in KARMA... so leave it up to that. some people make me so damn grateful about everything. when i see how other people are like.. i think,"damn... i'm so glad i'm not like that."... i'm worth so much more than that... and i have too much going on around me to be worryin about some stupid ass, immature acts. haters only make me stronger. that is all. gunite!

 apologies in advance for all of you who plan on reading further.. juss gotta have some release...

you can love me or hate me... it doesnt make a difference to me anymore... when it comes from you, i just dont know the difference now. one minute i feel loved.. the next you hate me. and the reasons are either inexistence or really obscure. i dont know. tell me why you do this. how can i make it any easier for you? i allowed myself to be your friend and just forget about everything that's happened.. but when i found it was possibly something too difficult for you... i gave you the choice of cutting ties... what is it? i cant keep going back and forth to the same thing.. i said i'd always be here for you when you need me.. but if that's not what you want, tell me. i will stay out of your life, no matter how hard that will be for me... but i will do it, no questions asked, if it's the best for you. i said just feeling something for someone isn't love.. maybe it's infatuation... but that's not everything to loving someone.. loving someone means you care for them and want what's best for them... even if that means putting those feelings aside... coz if it's true.. it's gonna happen eventually.. how long? i dont know... but that's true love.. sometimes.. or a lot of times.. making sacrifices is necessary.. tell me where im wrong on that, please. coz for all i know, i can be wrong.. nowadayz no one really knows.. at least i dont..  

feeling:  yet also feeling like.. (fuck it)

okei.. so things are just fucken bad right now... i mean.. arghh.. i really shouldnt even care anymore coz this is not the first time that this has happened... but ughh! i just had to be born with this stupid conscience... okei it's been 9 months! 9 friggen months!!!! ahhh!! im going fucken hysterical! okei so we still talked after that but after june we didnt... so 6 months! six fucken months... and he's still trippen the fuck off.. i mean.. ahh..on the other hand i understand because.. that's how it is... but if you really love someone sometimes you have to put your feelings aside so that he/she can be happy.. but he just cant do that... i mean... i only let go coz i knew that me holding on to my feelings and shit wasnt going to help me OR him.... and it just wasnt healthy for me... it was the best thing to do... i mean.. of course i still feel for him and shit.. but that's not what love's about... it's not just about how you feel for each other.. that's just the beginning.. it takes much more strength to let go just to make things better for the both of you.. than to just jump back into the damn relationship knowing damn well both of you aren't ready and that it will only go bad again... you'll only hurt each other again! and after that, you might NEVER get to be together again.. coz you'll know it just wont work out.. but see.. this... is better... just letting each other go and just trying to be the best person we can be right now... so that maybe.. MAYBE in the future.. if we meet again.. and we still feel that same feeling for each other... we can be together and by then.. nothing can stop us.. and by that time.. we'll both be mature enough and strong enough to stay together and keep each other happy.. coz man....we're still so young... there are so many days ahead of us... a wiseman from Harry Potter once said... yeah that's right i said Harry Potter... "it does not do to dwell on dreams.. and forget to live."  ahh... see... if he's not even mature enough to understand that.. then how the fuck is he mature enough to hold a relationship and stand through the hard times and downfalls? that's exactly why we're over.. and until he grows up (mentally, emotionally. and spiritually) then it just can never work out...

but why is this subject even being raised right now? well.. let me tell you.. alrite... i went 5 months without seeing him... yes 5 long months... but let me tell you.. during the end of those 5 months i was doing just fine.. i learned how to be happy without him.. and you know... i was hella chilled.. my theme for those dayz would be "me, myself, and i" by beyOnce.. coz damn.. i learned to be my own best friend.. and i think everyone should learn how to do that.. coz if you need someone else in order to be happy.. that's just crazy... i mean i used to think so.. but shit.. i learned... but anyhOo... so yeah 5 months.. but then sometime last week we decided to finally kick it.. and damn... maybe it was a mistake... i mean it seemed coo.. but the 2nd time we kicked it again... i dennoe.. i thought it was all gOod too.. but then that night he called me and told me that it hurt him to be around me.. coz he still wasnt over me. ughh... mann i thought we were hella best friends or somethin... but i guess... we can't even be that... it's just not possible.. so i asked him if he thinks it'll  be better if we just cut ties between us.. and just avoid each other and never talk or kick it anymore... coz if that's what it'll take for him to get over me and be happy.. then so be it.. BUT he said "no" he said that even if that happened, he'd still feel the same way for me.. .ahh.. man..he cried, i cried.. and we talked things out.. and i told him what i put up earlier.. the growing up shit.. and he said okei.. and he said it was hard but he'll try...  i dont know.. but he felt better afterwards when he was done crying.. and we fell asleep over the phone after talkin bout normal shit again.. so it was all good. but why?!?!?! tell me WHY the fuck.. last night... ughh!! he called my cell again but i wasnt near it.. but he left a message.. and tell me why this fool was drunk or high  as fuck... and saying hella hurtful ass shit to me? but you know.. your true feelings come out when you're drunk..so yeah. man if you only heard what he said.. i swear... that's not the first time he's pulled that type of shit on me.. the 2 other times were on line.. mann... i just dont get it... i try so damn hard to still be his friend. but it just doesnt work... i cant go through life knowing that i made someone's life worse instead of better... that's the reason why i still stick by.. but that never worked... coz doing that only makes him realize what he's lost.. ahh!!! i hate this. but my friends say that if he really loves me he wouldn't keep doing that.. he'd see that im better off right now.. and let me be.. instead of not caring and always making me feel bad and giving me guilt trips because he's not happy.. im so damn kunfyoozed... im going cOo cOo for cocoa puffs... but hey.. im not the one with the problem here... he is... so don't feel pity for me... please pray for him.. not me. my friend told me when i told him about this situation.. that sometimes there's just times when you can't help that person out.. he has to help himself. but see man.. i just dont see why he always has to bring me down with him. i hate that... and he always makes me feel so damn bad.. i mean.. he always says "why did you do this to me?" like it was my fault that we broke up.. i mean yes.. I broke it off.. but because of him! and i was the one who was hurt... he screwed me over so many damn times and i still stuck by him man... but that last straw.. man.. i just couldn't take it anymore... i was dyin... and now that im doing better for myself... he's feeling hella bad.. and he goes and tells me all this shit and gets drunk and high and i cant do anythin but feel hella fucken bad... but the thing that really gets to me is that.. when he gets all drunk and high.. he's never drunk or high enough to forget how to dial my number up or leave me messages on my message box on friendster.. or IM me... ahh..  that doesnt even matter.. im just really trippen.. geez.. i just can never be fully happy... i can never be in a state of pure bliss.. EVER... ahh... good fucken day foLx... this shit is long. peash!